Can I say it,
pull the words like teeth
lip gripped and held tight?
I’m thrashing walls and smashing lies
in an effort to get some goddam light into this place
because I’m done!
I’m done being without you
Don’t get me wrong now
I still hate chick flicks
and prefer axle stands to jewelry
and it’s not that I’m lonely
because I’m not
nor do I need you to fill a gap
or make me whole;
I am enough.
It’s just that I want to share
my really bad jokes
burnt pot roasts
and my ideas, so many ideas!
You’ll smile and listen, occasionally nod
pretending that chocolate covered broccoli is a great idea
just to watch me light up.
I want to share my silence
and my noise
oh god, do I want to laugh with you!
Laugh so hard I snort
and almost pee
running with knees locked to the bathroom
still giggling as I sit.
But more than that,
I want to know you.
I want to know how your skin crinkles when you grin
and see that brave face at dinner,
steal food from your plate (only when you’re cooking),
grab your ass in the supermarket,
smooth the hairs on your arm as it’s draped over me,
trace the lines across your forehead,
map the galaxy in your eyes,
be reflected in them.
I want to smell the skin between your shoulders
when I spoon you,
memorise the rhythm of your breathing
make it syncopate,
kiss you a hundred different ways
a dozen times a day,
make us late for work,
take long lunches without food,
go to bed early and wake tired and tangled.
I want to fight with you
just so we can make up,
I want to cry
because of you.
I want you to break my heart,
and mend it.
Because I just want to be with you
even though it scares me to admit it,
even though I’ve never met you,
don’t know who you are,
what you look like
or even if you exist.
But I have to believe you do
and I have to believe I can love you
and you me
©Copyright Maggie Lawson 2018