The Fullness Of Hope

“This is not night, but morning’s eve”

I recently wrote an article about hope and how that is reflected in my city, how I see myself in its scarred landscape. A good friend suggested that perhaps I wasn’t telling the full story, that there was more to my affinity for Christchurch than I spoke of; he was right.

Christchurch epitomises hope. Everywhere I look I see the ugly made beautiful; buildings scarred by the 2010/2011 earthquakes are covered in stunning artwork.

This is hope; the ability to make beauty from the rubble of our destruction.

Kintsukuroi (“golden repair”) is the Japanese practice of repairing broken pottery with gold and the repaired vessel is considered more valuable, more beautiful because of its damage. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise saying that the true life of the bowl begins the moment it is broken, not when it is crafted and so too, we are born within our moments of suffering and become beautiful in our repair; perfectly flawed and exquisitely scarred.

I have adopted this philosophy in my own personal journey of recovery and whilst it is excruciatingly difficult to embrace my own scars as a beautiful testament to my resilience I do so that I may offer hope to others who carry their history with them, whether it’s within or on their skin.

And I want to apologise if my vulnerability makes you uncomfortable. I’m not doing this to be gratuitous, not seeking to shock but I think it’s vitally important that our scars are not carried as shame but as a crown of glory, as evidence of our ability to not only survive, but to thrive through adversity.

My Kintsukuroi Journey

monstrosity

Looking in the mirror, I thumb the braille of my history, sliding fingers over the raised narrative I had no part in writing.

Every day I see her handiwork and every day I painstakingly cover it to camouflage, just so people will look me in the eye and not there or awkwardly away. I don’t want them staring at the cover of the trilogy she wrote on me just in case I see a hint of truth in what she told to me.

I have torn out the pages of her diatribe of lies, erased the filthy archives that spelled out broken lives and wrote myself a masterpiece of triumphant recreation complete with colourful characters, spills and thrills, and endless adventures.

My ability to do that, paint beauty to my pain, saves me from living in her library of narcissistic rage. I am neither her victim nor her survivor but rather a creation of my own making, crafted from the pieces of who I was before her hate broke me.

Yet, in spite of inner recreation, I cannot change the cover, can’t eliminate that wrap. I can only hope I’m brave enough to own it as my own, changing it from my hidden fear to wear it as my crown. I ache to feel the sunshine kiss the fullness of my face and whilst I cover that stain I’m also covering my magnificent truth and affording her a part of me to own in shame.

Today…

I’m prying it from her knuckled grasp, today I’m taking back what was never hers to hold, that thing she stole from me when I was just two years old.

This is my forehead. These are some of my scars. I am not ashamed.

23 thoughts on “The Fullness Of Hope

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      1. Dude!! Love that! There’s a quality to your voice that is really…. (argh words words words none of them fit) I may have to invent a word… Like, to mean sharp but not solid, hmm. Closest I can describe it is writing with chalk, texture but not gravel, smoother..
        Oh, yeah, sometimes I forget I’m not still talking in my head 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks, Maggie L. I’m going to have to find a bit of gravel for the current project. I have a number of metal compositions ready to go. I’ve made the music. They’re just waiting for my voice. This could end in tears – or a very sore throat – or ridicule – or a boost in the sales of honey & lemon drinks.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Or fame, don’t forget fame. I’m all about how words sound. When I write I read my sentences out loud to feel the words. They must feel right, like literally feel right in my mouth. When words are chosen and spoken as though to spin a silk thread the final product is a pleasure to wear. Your voice, how you sing, its like a silk robe; light, gliding but with enough texture that you feel the fabric. You’re gonna be famous one day George.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. In truth, the gig of writing for others would do me fine. Whenever I finish a composition I have this need to make something new. Do you do any audio poetry? Some do and when it works it sounds magical. An interesting art form – plus, I’m dyslexic (colourblind as well) so it helps.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I’ve only listened to the one track so far. I’ll revisit later. The thing is the audio makes the words real. Subtle piano, understated works well. Yes a little editing might help, but what you have is raw, and as I said, has a ‘real’ feel. You need to write a play. This left me wanting more. Brilliant, Maggie L.

        Liked by 2 people

      6. Maggie L. ‘How to Write a Women’ is top of the poems chart. You’re are so comfortable reading it. So brilliantly indifferent, as you should be. Love it. Please punch me in the face but ‘For Love & Oceans’ do another take 2/3rds pace. It’ll be even better. Please don’t think I’m an interfering big mouth – there’s so many of those on social media. I not like that. It’s a wonderful set of words begging for another take – I get that with my music, only my words aren’t as good as yours. ~ George

        Liked by 1 person

      7. “please punch me in the face” – hahahahaha, dude, so funny!
        Your feedback is a gift to me. So, you recommend slowing down ‘For love and Oceans’? I’ll give it a go. I get really anxious and sometimes rush it, other times I’m rushing because I know at any minute one of my kids will rush in and ask what’s for dinner 😁

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Phew. I was worried my comment would go pear shaped. I truly think your work is brilliant. There is a lady I follow on my blog – she used to be on SoundCloud but I can’t find her there – odd! Anyway, she has – check her back catalogue – done audio work. I think the two of you might get along, if you’re not following already, https://areyouthrilled.com/ I seriously like the audio/poetry genre. Words come alive through the ears not the eyes. A dyslexic’s dream come true! I’m looking forward to you next post – all ears and eyes ~ George

        Liked by 1 person

      9. I’m going to record a few more pieces over the coming days. If there’s anything on my blog you’d specifically like recorded just let me know.
        Here’s my latest piece. And thank you for the encouragement, it truly means the world to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I like the documentary feel of the new piece. You do ‘matter of fact’ seriously well. The standing back and observing feel of the spoken word really works, yet somewhere in the performance the ‘matter of fact’ feel, is a choice, not a ‘I don’t really care’ voice. I hope that makes sense, but put simply, I think it’s brilliant. I’ll check your blog out in a couple of days as I’m off to France at silly o’clock in the morning.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Maggie L – I haven’t forgotten to check over more of your work. Just thought I’d let you know. I’ve been up to my eyes with all the glaze over boring things I have to do to stay afloat and am still trying to get myself up to date. I’ll get back shortly, I hope. I’m still liking the audio poetry concept. George

        Liked by 1 person

      12. Hey George, no need to apologise at all. I understand the constraints of time so please don’t feel pressured. My work isn’t going anyway so it’ll be here when you’re ready.
        If you see any that you think will benefit from audio then just comment with an ‘a’ or something.
        Stay cool dude 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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